Recently, I found myself about 50 feet above the ground on a rock climb and about ten feet above my last piece of gear — which would likely not have held me had I fallen on it — feeling pumped (when your forearms fill with lactic acid, resulting in difficulty gripping the holds). Instead of panicking, I took a break on a small foot ledge in order to think through the next few moves, focused on my breathing, and finally (with encouragement from my belayer) committed and went for it. It was scary, but I knew I would be disappointed in myself if I didn’t try hard.
So, why can’t I seem to do the same in ‘real life’? Being emotionally vulnerable is far scarier for me than taking physical risks, such as rock climbing. For example, I recently decided that I was going to get back into blogging. I jotted down a bunch of topics that inspired me, but when the time came to actually go for it, I found myself unable to commit. I told myself stories like, “No one cares what I have to say” and “What if people judge me or think my ideas are shit?” Instead of committing and going for it, like I usually would on the rock, I turned these questions over and over in my head for weeks until I got tired of my own bullshit, and finally mustered up the courage to write this post.
It seems counter intuitive, right? When my life is at risk I am able to remain calm, but when I am feeling emotionally vulnerable and exposed, I panic. Why is this? Do others experience similar contradictions?
This year, I decided to quit my job, organize a women’s international adventure film festival in Kenya, climb the highest mountain in Kenya, enter into a new relationship, move away from the country and friends I love in order to pursue a new career – all of which are pretty good examples of ways in which I have faced vulnerability in the past. Despite setting myself up to explore a new path, I still feel vulnerable when I tell someone about my new profession, ideas, or goals. I want to be someone who others can turn to for leadership and guidance on difficult topics such as self doubt, risk taking, love, fear, gender, etc. In order to be true to who I want to be, I realized I need to intentionally face my own fears head on: namely, vulnerability.
I am currently reading Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. Her work on vulnerability and shame is brilliant (if you haven’t checked her out yet, start with her TED talk on the power of vulnerability). Brené talks about the armor we put on to protect ourselves from vulnerability, and that this armor also prevents us from bringing our full selves to our relationships and prevents us from living a full life. She also explains how she doesn’t listen to criticism from others who aren’t also putting themselves out there and giving life their best shot. So, I decided I am going to do the same. Who’s with me?
The satisfaction I get after pulling through those hard moves to find myself at the top of a climb is well worth the sweaty palms and uncertainty I face moments before. If I can dare greatly on the rock, then surely I can dare greatly in other areas of my life.
[photo & belay credit: Sam Mwangi]
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